Reflections on the First Year of HBS

I’m sitting in a near-empty room at the end of first year. A stark contrast to how much I brought here last August.

• After reading everything on the HBS tech page and admit forums, I bought a laserjet printer and a Toshiba laptop. Great investments.
• Not-a-Haier fridge.
• My own sheets and blanket, which I had in college and in Beijing. As transient as my stays have been in each place, at least I go to sleep in familiarity.
• Tons of blouses and skirts, because I thought people would dress up for class. That lasted maybe two days.
• A finance calculator because I thought that would help in FIN1. I never raised my hand for numbers questions so it was obsolete.
• Battlestar Galactica and Mad Men DVDs. Sadly did not watch more than a few episodes.
• Lots of utensils and dinnerware because I thought I would cook and invite people over. Not so easy in a dorm.
• A promise to myself to write and remember important moments throughout HBS. Most of those thoughts are in a notebook, but hopefully the most significant ones are here.

I came in spiritually drained from the summer and two years in China. I loved my time there. As much as I complained about the consultant life, I loved living in Beijing and exploring cities all around the country. There was a feeling of urgency and progress, of ever moving forward. Every day was filled with energy and momentum, even if reluctant and tired. I came back from the airport on Friday nights to my roommate’s awesome cooking and Bible study with a dozen people crammed in my 70 square meter apartment. The weekends were spent watching IMAX movies in Shuangan, shopping in the farmer’s market across the street where vendors pulled in vegetables on donkey carts, trekking into the mountains with a handful of friends, and learning the Old Testament through a Chinese scholar’s eyes. I felt China in my skin to the point of dreaming in Mandarin. HBS was far away. I’d been accepted on 2+2. Didn’t really know what I’d be doing once I got on campus. I just knew I’d miss China dearly and wanted to return as soon as possible.

I went home to New Jersey last June and was miserable. Argued with my parents all the time. I had gained weight in China and my skin was terrible. Self-consciousness and pride are a terrible pit to fall into. Even when there was nothing to argue about, I found something to color the day with anger and bitterness. I missed my friends and my freedom, and felt like an alien in suburban America, a household with many rooms and two cars. Even the fact that we had trees on our property was off to me, after two years of living in a crammed apartment and out of suitcases in hotels. Unnecessary luxury seemed everywhere and I complained about it. I knew it was wrong to complain about blessings but I was grasping for self-justification. I was lonely and took it out on my family. Later I realized it was all self-pity, a worse pit than the others because you don’t want to climb out of it. I thought about how HBS was a month, three weeks, two weeks away and wondered how I could measure up to my classmates’ expectations when I felt like a tantrum-throwing five year old at heart.

I came to HBS and unpacked my things in an empty room. It was hurricane weekend. With nowhere to go and knowing no one, I stayed in and wrote, read, organized everything around me, tried to imagine what class would be like. That weekend I met my first group of HBS friends in Morris courtyard as we walked to the only church service that was still open during the storm. I’m pretty sure a lot of umbrellas broke on our way over to Harvard Square. We made it to the Science Center and there was familiarity, the sound of large group fellowship from college. “Hurricane Church” was written on the board. We sang and heard a sermon by a recent graduate. We had lunch together in Le’s and I learned about my classmates. Andrea who had a completely European name and was raised Christian in India. Bryan who was born in Nigeria, lived in London and studied in Qinghua and could speak fluent Chinese.

I went to dinner with Dawn at Alan’s apartment, where I met almost all the Chinese RCs. When Gary’s wife first met me, she remarked that she thought I was from mainland China. I took it as a compliment. I can’t say the same now; my Mandarin has deteriorated to an awkward level. I told everyone I wanted to work in China. Maybe in consulting again, so I talked to everyone who had worked in consulting in China. I really didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I could already feel the nervousness creeping up on me. Case interviews all over again. Case interviews in Mandarin. Long hours and time pressure and the fear that people would decide I really wasn’t much of a consultant.

We went to the dean’s welcome in Burden. All of us were dressed in suits. It was an absurd picture and Frances mentioned it in her speech. There was a lot of ego-patting and encouragement. We were all special and were going to do great things in the world, and HBS’ role was to help us get there. Funny, we still felt like the relationship was the other way around. So much pressure to live up to the HBS name. The idea that HBS had any obligation to live up to us, in our directionless and insecure state…absurd.

I was in Section E. From the beginning I was skeptical of the section system. Hearing old E cheer and rattle the walls in their we-love-the-tech-rep t-shirts was fun but I felt distant. I understood the purpose of sections but could not get excited about a random letter assignment. All the talk of “you’ll make your closest friends in section,” “the section is a family,” didn’t resonate with me. And til now, while I have indeed formed deep friendships in section, I don’t see those friendships as linked with the section, but standing alone as bonds with great individuals.

Reactions were mixed to the Mary Oliver poem exercise. Most people were cynical about it. It actually spoke to me deeply for a personal reason. Several years ago I met a four year-old orphan in Beijing, Chun Yu. She was the loveliest child and my family wanted to adopt her. But after a long battle with a brain tumor, she died. I brought her ashes to the US to bury in a donated plot near our home as part of our family. At her memorial service, I read Mary Oliver’s poem. Chun Yu was like the delicate grasshopper so artfully described in the poem, living free and without complexity, and her life was wild and precious. I wrote about her in my HBS admissions essay, the first one about the three things you have accomplished that you are most proud of. She was the beginning of my purpose of coming here.

First discussion group was a blast. None of us knew what we were doing, really, and how much we were expected to contribute. So we contributed a lot, or what little we could that was useful. Sherry and Omar were the designated finance guys. I wish I had learned more throughout the year from designated finance guys. Though I abandoned discussion groups later, the first one was definitely special. We met up for dinner later in the year. Omar drove us to the restaurant and we almost got hit by the green line train as we crossed the tracks at an inopportune time. Imagine the headline. Six HBS students meet their untimely end on the MBTA tracks.

Christian Fellowship as a safe haven. I knew it would be my primary community and I dived in as soon as student clubs were allowed to hold events with RCs. The Wednesday night talks by Christian business leaders were powerful, cutting to the core of important issues without any of the dross heard so often in speeches by visiting speakers. Work is a sacred part of human identity. Adam was made to work the ground and rejoice in the fruits of his labor. It’s not about finding that critical career that will give you purpose, but finding purpose in whatever career you’re in. Love your family. One speaker shared that his young daughter wrote a poem about his frequent absences from home as he held a high-powered position in a corporation. He found the poem by accident. “Daddy, where were you when I climbed that tree? Where were you when I skinned my knee?” All of these were issues we could have easily talked about in LEAD, but never quite got there. The lessons stayed with me throughout each week and bled into discussions over lunch and in section small group. Retreat at Toah Nipi taught me a lot as well. I told everyone in the room on Sunday morning that I would cut self-pity and self-praise out of my life. They’re poisons.

Section small group was an amazing blessing. In the beginning of the year about 15 people in Section E signed up for Christian Fellowship. Our weekly lunch meetings ended up being around 10 to 12 people each time. We talked about God as our source of strength and identity, building relationships, fearing Him instead of anything in the world. Classmates who weren’t Christian but curious about faith brought questions to the table that challenged the long-time believers at the table. How can you be sure this is true? Why believe? Why is there suffering?

The ongoing nervousness about my internship and eventual career started to fade in October. At the Asia Business Club retreat I talked to a former colleague and he advised me to try something new in the summer. Why waste it on an industry I had already worked in? Later that night in the house, after an epic game of Taboo, I had a deeper conversation with Lin. I had just met him but we were talking about the purpose of life and what I really loved to do. I love to write and create stories that move people. I want to go back to China and do that. He said to go for it. What did I have to lose? I think that was the moment that cemented it.

I started exploring the entertainment and media industry. I had joined the club earlier on a whim, a 1 year membership, whereas I had signed up for 2 years with the consulting club. But my attention shifted completely toward the EMC. I talked to everyone I could who had worked for an entertainment company and felt envious of their stories. Anthony who’d worked for HBO, marketing for Game of Thrones and True Blood. Morgan who’d sat in the room when the studio had chosen Daniel Craig for Cowboys & Aliens. Allen who had acted, written scripts and directed in China. I wanted to be close to the creation of stories. The tradeoff was money and stability. I still don’t know a career in entertainment would be for me, but along the lines of what Steve Jobs said, I’m going by gut feeling, what I would regret not doing if I were to die tomorrow.

Winter break was hardly a break. I relaxed at home and things were peaceful with my parents. At the beginning of January was the Hollywood Trek. I loved it. There was the itching sense of urgency at each company visit, the drive to find out more and talk to more people and apply as soon as possible. I just wanted a foot in the door. I was enamored with CAA, minimum wage and drama and all. I loved LA’s weather. I met the Chinese director whose script I had translated and was excited to learn that the movie would be finished in 2013. I met Rob Cain, a seasoned veteran in film and China, and talked about doing creative work for free just to gain some experience. I think I’m one of the only people who likes to do script coverage. Even for mediocre scripts. The process of writing and analyzing a story, pointing out ways to make it better and more resonant, is enjoyable to me.

I went straight from LA to Ghana for FIELD2. Never been to Africa before. I didn’t experience as much culture shock as I thought, maybe because I’d seen poverty in China as well. The hotel that HBS put us up in was naturally a five star by the beach. Lovely accommodations and lots of fun at local restaurants and bars with classmates. My team was amazing and we got along perfectly. We were lucky to get a great client that cared about the project and cared about us. We saw many different parts of Accra while doing market research. With a translator I talked to local women about the hair products they used and our findings were striking. Later I traveled along the coast to Elmina Bay and then inland to Kumasi. Stayed at a Chinese-run hotel of all places. Listened to the best live music I’ve heard in a very long time at the open restaurant next door. And managed to edit some cover letters for recruiting, because that would start a few days after I flew back.

I was gunning for entertainment but still applied to marketing and strategy positions for CPG and tech companies. The interview process itself was a great learning experience, and I got excited about a few companies that almost accepted me. After the initial few weeks, Lincoln Center’s application opened up. I’d never seen my mom so excited about a job opportunity for me. She started talking about all the education initiatives I could get involved in and how I could contribute to the China consulting project. I was just as excited. It wasn’t entertainment per se but the classy side of arts and culture. I’ve played piano since I was five and loved it since I was ten. I would love to work for the institution that hosts so many of the concerts I’ve seen since childhood. I got the offer and will be working for them from the end of May to near the end of July. My start date is less than a week away and I’m refreshed and very much looking forward to it.

Spring break was another trip to LA. I hadn’t spent much time with my sister since last summer, when I frankly treated her like crap with my fickle moods. We went to LA together and visited studios so I could find a second internship, as well as grad schools with music programs, namely USC and UCLA. It was my first time renting a car. It was her first time trying to navigate with an iPhone. Not a great combination, but we went through the week without major hitches. The ugly side of my temperament reared its head several times as we got lost or were stuck in traffic on the way to appointments with company executives. I am thankful to my sister for always bearing my anger with patience, but it’s terrible that she has to bear it at all.

Through that week in LA I landed a second internship, crammed in right after my Lincoln Center internship. I’ll be working for Mirada, a new studio founded by Guillermo del Toro, Mathew Cullen, Guillermo Navarro and Javier Jimenez. The vision of the company drew me in from the start – purveyors of handmade storytelling. My visit to the studio and conversations with Mathew sealed it. A company with quality stories at its core. I couldn’t ask for anything more. The summer will have no stops, but I don’t see it as work so much as pursuing what I love.

Second semester has moved at a different pace, in some places faster than first semester, because of the multiple conferences and the HBS Show. February, March and April afternoons were booked by the show. I’d never gotten involved in student musicals outside of playing flute in the band. But this was another experience altogether, assistant directing the show with an extremely talented and all-around awesome director and co-assistant director. I learned the basics of putting a production together and saw how scenes are painstakingly practiced until they are natural. I also learned the painful complexity of the sound system and just how easily one error can lead to sound disasters. During show week it was hard to believe how everything came together so fluidly and students who had a million other things on their plates still gave plenty to make the show a success.

My writing has suffered this year. I haven’t written much outside of a few short stories and a bunch of sad poems. I realize my poems lack agency. They always speak of helplessness and victimization. I guess self-pity hasn’t died and likes to express itself through my writing.

I had a dream once that I was going to die in a week. The Chinese government was going to execute me (this was right after the 2008 Olympics when I’d been working for the state media for a summer). I didn’t even question it, just prepared for my death. The first thing I thought of was not to call my family and friends, but to gather all my story outlines and email a friend who often brainstormed with me. I told her to finish all my stories because I couldn’t bear to think of leaving them incomplete. Then I woke up. It was a very vivid dream. It showed me where my priorities lay at least at that time. Hopefully family and friends have taken precedent over my own pursuits now. But it was very telling of my fears and pessimism when it comes to writing. I always feel I’ll never finish the stories I want to tell, because I’m too busy and distracted to produce anything of quality, and I naturally am fickle and easily skip from one idea to the next. After I wrote Devil’s Trill, a conversation with Clarence gave me a new perspective.

Clarence asked why I should be so upset about dying without finishing all my work. Do I think that I won’t be able to do what I love in heaven? God made us all with certain passions and doesn’t stop us from pursuing them as long as we are glorifying Him. So just as musicians and artists continue to glorify Him with music and art in heaven, writers can too. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of this before, but I’m grateful to Clarence for pointing it out.

In the end, time is the scarcest of resources and runs through our fingers, as much as we feel it drags when we’re bored. It seems like yesterday I arrived here to an empty room and sat in this chair reflecting about how I would approach the next week in a new environment with new people to meet. Between then and now I’ve had a very fulfilling and meaningful year. And in light of what I learned in Christian Fellowship, it’s not that you go somewhere looking for purpose, but you’re responsible for living purposefully wherever you are. I think RC year has been a year of living meaningfully at least, if not with conscious purpose all the time. I love where I am now, and I love everyone I have made the journey with. If you’ve read this far, thank you. This is an aspiring writer’s mind, uninhibited and unrefined. I’m not going back to edit. Here’s honesty and no regrets.